This is both an update type note and a ramblings type note, so no matter your preference you're sure to find it here. Yay for variety. First of all I just wanted to make sure anyone who was curious knew what I'm up to these days and what my immediate plans are...

I'm now a junior, and I loved my year at Sterling College. Definitely going back next year, especially as God seems to be blessing me financially lately. I made a lot of good friends there; people I can laugh with, people I can study with, people I can cry with, people I can talk with, people I can just sit and enjoy life with. You know who you are, and I love you all. (-: Thanks for being a part of God's plan to make Sterling a great experience for me.
I'm still doing Elementary Education, and I'm going to try to minor or get endorsed or something in theater, but that would require me staying longer so we'll see how that goes. I don't mind staying in school longer, I just don't like gathering up debts. Most likely I'll stay an extra semester or year, is my guess.

I'm working at a dude ranch this summer; Rainbow Trout Ranch in Colorado. I leave May 11th, which is a few short days away! I'm very excited though. Mountains, people, horses, dancing, life will be great. Lots of hard work, but that's never really scared me. (-: I will have internet access while I'm there, but no cell phone service. Which brings me to another topic...


I finally have my phone back after breaking it near Easter. However, he's still having some issues, such as randomly not accepting texts, not downloading pix messages, and most importantly not making outgoing calls. The rocker button that controls volume is also messed up which may mean I'm sending him back to be fixed correctly. Oh, and meanwhile I lose all contact info. So basically... I love hearing from my friends, either via text or calling, and you /may/ be able to actually contact me. If I don't reply or pick up don't take it personal, I probably just didn't get it at all. Facebook's the safest bet if you need to get ahold of me (-: But hopefully soon things will be normal. At least by Sept. 5th when I venture back down from the mountains, you should be able to reach me. And pretty soon here I'm going to be asking for all of your numbers because I lost almost all of them.

What other updates... I'm doing really well right now; I was super stressed a week ago because of a lot of stuff going on (including finals and packing) but I'm much better now. I stay in contact with my college buddies which makes me quite happy. Okay so that's it for updates. (-: Oh, except I turn 20 June 7th and have barely over a month to relish my teenhood. Ack.

~

Thoughts and such. (-:

I was thinking today of all the promises I've made to God and plans I've made to spend time with Him and times I've submitted to His will, and how many of those promises I've broken, times I got too lazy to spend time with Him, and times I went my own wayward direction. Isn't it crazy that He still gives his ALL for me and doesn't hold back any of His love even though He knows I'll break His heart again? Face it my friends, we're all heartbreakers. Whether we've rejected Him all along or follow Him devoutly only to betray Him, can you just imagine how much it must hurt to be God? Seriously. We're His /kids/. He DIED for our pitiful souls. He is absolutely perfect in all His interaction with us and never does us wrong. Yet we do Him wrong all the time. And still, He loves us with abandon, lavishly, abundantly, passionately, tenderly. How is that even possible?

What really got me about all that is how /I/ react to stuff like that. I mean, no one likes getting hurt. No one likes having promises to them broken or plans that go astray or respect and admiration turning to disdain and anger. Those things are always going to happen, though, just because we're dealing with humans. I know for sure that I've hurt people in many ways, just by being my own stupid self. Everyone has been hurt, betrayed, /something/. Yet how do we react? If you're like me, you find yourself shrinking back a little sometimes when something sounds familiar and last time turned out badly. You have moments of insecurity and fear in a friendship; what if you get hurt again?

Well, what if you DO get hurt again? I've noticed a lot of irrational fears come from not answering the what if's of life, so lets look at this one. I mean, here I am, at times shrinking back from people who are probably as sincere and kind as they come, because suddenly I'm afraid of being left behind or that their kindness might be false or that they'll like me today but tomorrow they'll grow bored of me. In fact, you know what's the worst part? Sometimes I shrink back from love because I'm afraid of /not/ being loved. I'm afraid of love lost or love witheld or love forgotten or love imperfect. It seems logical to tread carefully and not put your heart into something until you know it won't hurt you, or at least not too much. It's ridiculous to say otherwise.

Yet is that the example God shows us? To love cautiously, to love in incriments and only as rewarded appropriately, to love in balance with those we are loving? I mean, maybe it's a COMPLETELY separate deal because He's God and we're not, but still, just think about it. He loves us completely and wholly and without reservation. Because He believes we won't hurt Him? Don't insult His intelligence. Because we have so much to offer back? Please. The example He gives us is fearless. And He gets hurt for it, oh so many times, over and over. I know because I am the one that does it. Every time He knits our hearts together and we delight in the wonder of our relationship, I tear us back apart. Every time, no lie. And yet... and yet.

So I guess I'd just encourage all of you; don't be afraid of love, or to love. And what am I talking about here? I'm talking about patience, kindness, forbearance, giving of yourself (time, money, resources, lending an ear to listen or a shoulder for crying or a hug for comfort), forgiveness, thoughtfulness. Love with abandon, as Christ gave His all for you. Love lavishly as God blesses immeasurably. Love without fear, not because you carefully choose who to love but because love casts out fear. Because God will always fill you back up. Because it's okay to risk getting hurt, once more, even though you've been through this before; God's been doing it since Adam and He still seems to think that's the way to go.

Just love and be loved.

~

Another little rambling about fear. Fear has always been my biggest struggle. What I fear most is being abandoned/left out/left behind, and being insufficient. A lot of times those are tied together; I'm afraid that I'll be left out because I'm not good enough, or that I'll be left behind because I simply wasn't /enough/. I came to the realization the other day that no type of person or group of people could get rid of that fear. No matter what stereotype someone falls into or what circle they walk in, I'll have an insecurity about it. I'm not athletic enough to hang with the athletes; they'd think I'm overweight and slow and clumbsy and lazy. I'm not conservative enough to hang with the hardcore modest crowd; they'd think my clothes are too revealing and I'm too expressive and too flirtateous. No way I'd fit with theater people though; too shy, too soft spoken, too conservative of standards for the stage, not outgoing enough. The popular people aren't even a question; I'm not busy enough, not trendy enough, don't look right, don't act right. Nerds intimidate me too; I'd never be smart enough to keep up and they'd get bored of me in time. I'm sure there's more groups and you can bet I have a nice set of insecurities laid aside just for them.

Of course it's all somewhat ridiculous; deep down I'm a confident person and I like who I am and how I look and what I'm like. I measure up to my own standards [most of the time...] and I know I measure up to God's, but I keep having a fear that I won't measure up to other peoples'. Soon enough they'll discover the real me, and that'll be the end of that! :: smile :: Truth is, no one ever fits perfectly. The best athlete will miss a shot, the most modest person alive will have a moment of vanity, popular people will make a faux paux, the nerdiest nerd will have a brain freeze. Really, it's not about all that. No matter what group you hang out with, there will be people that look down on you and shun you and yes, abandon you and say you're insufficient. At the same time, every group of people has individuals that will love you exactly how you are even when you aren't charming or witty or winning a game or at a high point in your spiritual walk.

I've always known it's silly to compare myself to a social standard and lament my insufficiencies, but it's becoming ever clearer to me why that is. It's because, as they say... those who mind dont' matter, and those who matter won't mind. Those who matter know that the standard you should be measuring up to is just being the beautiful soul God created you to be, complete with struggles and mishaps along the way. No one could ever be as you as you are. You're unlike anyone that has ever walked the earth, and that's all you need to be.

The trick is in simply finding those who love you for you. Those are the ones worth holding on to.

~

I definitely had several other things I wanted to get down on paper... er, cyberspace, and I've been waiting for the magical moment when all those thoughts are present in my mind all at once so I could write this note. Of course that never happened and I decided to just do the best I could and if I think of more I'll add those later. Until such a time...if you read the entirety of that ridiculous long note, congratulations you probably have no life. That or you just really love me. Quite possibly both. However, if it's the former and you have no life and you need something to occupy your time... go play the Crimson Room. It's awesome. And difficult. It's okay to ask for help. I did. A lot. Um, a ton. But it's really fun and you should play it. Then go on to the Viridian Room and the White Chamber if you really want to see your hours get sucked away into nothingness. It's good stuff.


Goodnight all! I love you all. Yes, I really mean that.

(So, Miss Alyssa, I'm trying to [finally Sorry.] write you an e-mail but for some reason I can't find your e-mail address. Again. E-mail me please? I promise I'll save it in my contacts this time! Love you, sweetheart.)